Waiting - 8/20/2009

It is 7:40am, waiting to leave for my PET Scan at 9:00am and I don't want to go. I'm not scared of the PET Scan itself, I just want this to be over. Each day closer to the scan I've become more anxious. Part of this is that I want to make sure I do everything possible to have a good scan. There isn't really a whole lot I can do. No food 6 hours before and no strenuous exercise 24 hours before.

During this week I've also had a positive. My hair is starting to grow back. Each morning I look and more hair is on my head. Yeah, this can be considered vanity. Too bad. As I've been pretty consistent so far with my mantra... "I want my hair back"!

Also, I've been drinking Kefir, which is a yogurt type smoothie. It helped get my digestive tract back in line. I was still having heartburn and indigestion 3 weeks after the last treatment. Drinking coffee and fruit juices tend to mess with my digestion, so I've also held back on those.

After my last treatment I had a lot of positive comments from people about being done with cancer. While the sentiments were good, I still had/have the feeling of "...yeah, but it isn't quite over". Do I think the results will be good on Monday? Yes. But I still won't know until then.

What I figured out though is the following:
When you have it, you have it. When you've had it, you never want to have it again.

Basically, once the diagnosis is made, you have it. You go into fight mode and just charge ahead with treatment. But once treatment is over, a realization feeling kicks in, and you never want to go through this again. So my anxiousness is praying/hoping/wishing that the scan results are good. That the doctor Monday says we are going into surveillance mode. Even though surveillance mode still means they are watching to see if the cancer re-surfaces, at least it won't be, "....oh we need to do more surgery or treatment".

My fingers (and arms, and legs, and whatever hair I have) are crossed!

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