Post Surgery - Getting Used to the New Me

Wednesday, April 21, 2009

I woke up at 4am, turned on the coffee, and went right back to bed until 6:30am.
Worked for about 3-4 hours. Had Melissa come over so I could take a shower while having someone in the house. My, my isn't she the bossy one. Kept telling me to lay down and take it easy. Finally I did and of course fell asleep.

Got a call from the surgeon around 5pm. He was surprised I didn't have any swelling. Also said they found both types of testicular cancer, and that they were completely segregated from each other, which he has never seen before. I asked if I could get a book deal. The surgeon was very upbeat and felt like we caught things in time and this may be over. I have a CT scan next Wednesday to confirm. Fingers are crossed that it didn't spread and I won't have to go through treatment. Mom asked what are the two types of cancer. I don't know and don't want to know. I'm not going to give this more power than it already has, and with the high success rate, I'm going to let the medical professionals do their thing.

Bill and Heidi brought over a sensual cake. Had a penis on top with just one testicle. Very funny, but disturbing to both Tyler and me (the gay guys). Bill saw our expression and assured us that by eating the cake it wouldn't make us gay.

I made a comment to a few people that if you want to see how many friends you have, get cancer. The calls I've made and received have been numerous. Including emails. My “support” group is very large. Tyler's family, my family, our friends. All are pulling for me or praying for me. Melissa even has the Denver Seminary praying for me. Everyone wants me to take it easy, and I am trying as best as possible, but still have to work during this if clients are going to pay invoices. I started lying on the couch with my laptop as sitting in the office chair starts to get painful.

Saturday, April 25, 2009.
Starting to get a bit restless over the past couple of days. Still happy with the prognosis from the surgeon, but it has now shifted my thinking away from possible chemo/radiation to what has actually happened. I'm down to one percoset per day and that seems to be fine.

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The issue now is having one testicle in my scrotum. While looking in a mirror there isn't much difference, I am starting to come to terms with this new fact. I'm apprehensive to touch myself. My penis is fine and I still can get erections, but I am having a mentally hard time touching my scrotum. I'm forcing myself to however. I don't like how it feels. For many days I could still “feel” my left testicle. The pain that I have had was gone, but because I wasn't touching my scrotum, my brain still was registering two testicles. While I kept saying that this is nothing compared to a woman loosing a breast (and it still isn't), something else is going on. This isn't vanity. This is I've lost a part of my body that I was intimately aware of. And I mean intimately as in 40 years!. I can't “grab my balls” like I used to and it feels odd. My right testicle pulls the scrotum down in a more oblong kind of way. When I go to touch the left side of my scrotum, I can only go so far before I pull away. I just don't like the sensation and am worried. I know that I will get used to this. I have a new appreciation for people who have lost limbs. I still know this is minor in comparison, but it is almost as if I have to re-learn how to be sexual with myself. I know I'll have to overcome this before I'll be comfortable having sex with Tyler again. This is becoming my obstacle/challenge to overcome in Kaballah terms. I guess. DJ says he is going to bring me some porn which will be good because once the actual incision heals I'm going to need to masturbate so I can get used to this new situation. Again, this could all sound trivial and maybe vanity, but it isn't. It is dealing with a change in my self-perceived sexuality. I'm not worried how I will look to other people, I just have to get used to this new scrotum sensation.